One of those special moments

My sweet baby girl.

Tonight I had one of those special moments, the ones that make you relax and remind you exactly why you wanted children. Sometimes I think that in order for those moments to happen you have to be a little stressed or frazzled or even ready to throw the towel in. But kids seem to sense this somehow and do this one little thing that always makes your heart melt. I had one of these this evening.

For starters my day just got off to a really crappy start. When my husband finally came to bed it was like 7 in the morning and however he got on the bed (this is up for debate, I swear he tried to lay a power bomb on me and missed by a few inches, he says he just sat down) he scared the mother f$#%ing daylights out of me and I failed around like I was having a seizure or something. When I calmed down I realized I was in a ton of pain, it felt like I had ripped my Latissimus Dorsi in half!

I take some pain meds and try to use our heating pad, which now does not appear to work at all, and really tried to rest it. After feeding the kids dinner they were driving me nuts so I decided to put them in bed a little earlier than usual tonight. That didn’t really happen though because I found them in my room having torn all the sheets and blankets off my bed and jumping on it. So after we finished remaking mommy’s bed it then took me another 10 minutes to get their pajamas on. Finally got them ready, took them to their room to tuck them in and discovered that my daughter had taken out all her pajamas, socks, and underwear and had them strewn all over their floor.

I got her clothes all picked up had the kids tucked in and given many hugs and kisses when I go to close the door behind me I hear my daughter say “Mom?”. But it wasn’t just any plain old ‘mom’, it was the one they say in a quiet voice that automatically plays your heartstrings like a harp and you have to answer because they addressed you so sweetly. So I opened the door back up and asked what she needed. Then she said a bunch I couldn’t understand so I just said, “Ok honey, we will try to do that tomorrow.” I had one of those moments today. I was frustrated, annoyed and just plain tired among other things but that one little word stopped me in my tracks and said “this is why you are a mom”. Every now and then you have these little moments that put everything precisely in perspective and you then have absolutely no doubt as to why you chose to be a mother.

 

Maybe I’m just a mean mom…

Today I am going to start off with a story. A few months ago I was grocery shopping with my daughter at  Wal-Mart (I know, so magical already, but it gets better!) and while we were checking out she kept trying to play with the credit card machine. I removed her hands from it and told her no twice and then the third time I moved the cart away  from the machine so that she could not reach it. For some reason the cashier thought my idea was genius. She said “I’ve never seen any parent do that”. So I’m thinking as I am walking out to my car “Was she serious, does no one else do anything about their misbehaving children…?”

Sometimes I wonder if I really am a mean mom…I use traditional discipline, I do not take back talk, I don’t reward bad behavior, things like that. There are just many things that I don’t do or do differently than other moms and sometimes it makes that horrible little question pop up in the back of my mind: Am I a mean mom?

I’m going to use the S word so if anyone is not okay with that you should look away now. SPANK. That’s right, you read it, I spank my children. If they are misbehaving (especially at home) I will spank their little bottoms and then they will have a time out. It doesn’t always correct the problem right away but I always talk to them too. I want them to understand what they were doing wrong and why they just got swatted. I don’t count to 3 and then do nothing about it like some parents, if they are in trouble they know what is coming next.

Most of the time my kids are pretty well-behaved in public, but there are times when they aren’t. And I am not one of those moms who will just ask them to be quiet. If they begin acting “a fool” in public I will yank them out to the car and give them and swat that they deserve. I will not put up with it and they both know I won’t so I haven’t had any issues in  quite a while.

I never rocked my children to sleep and I do not let them sleep in bed with me. I know, I am awful! When I had my son he slept with me one night and the next morning I decided he was going in his own crib in his own bedroom. I have friends that still sleep with the baby right next to them or in the bed with them or rocked their child to sleep every night and I just don’t get. Why start a something you know you are eventually going to want to change when you know the change will be painful for all? How long are you going to have to rock them to sleep, until they are 12? When are you going to ever be able to have sex again without a child in the room? I guess I just don’t get and I have never really had the luxury of being able to stay at home all the time and take naps with the kids. I had to go to work and/or school with every kid so I needed my sleep at night. Maybe I’m just stingy.

I don’t let my kids play video games. To clarify, my son does have a Vetech Mobigo which does have video game-like cartridges, but they are all educational. He does not have his own x-box that he plays Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto all the time. I don’t let him use the Wii U unless it’s a game specifically for kids.

I did not let my children have pop when they were younger. My son didn’t have any until about 3 and my daughter was about 2 (and that’s only because her father drinks a tons and leaves half full cups of Mt. Dew everywhere). I do let them have it now but it is usually not more than once a week. There are exceptions of course, like this week, but even so they never have anything with caffeine, unless it’s my husband’s 3-day old pop…eww.

I am not a short order cook. If I make spaghetti for dinner and they choose not to eat it then they go to bed hungry. I’m just so cruel!

So I might be stern and even though I might think I am sometimes, I truly don’t think I am a terribly mean mother. My children are well-behaved (most of the time) individuals who are independent and extremely bright. And I want them to stay that way. To me, my job as a parent is to help mold my children into adults who can succeed at whatever they choose and this is how I choose to go about it.

I got a package!!!

In the mail that is, for all you perverts. I decided to try a monthly box subscription and the first one I stumbled upon was Birchbox. I barely new any other subscriptions that were available beside Kiwi Crate which I had heard about often. So when I found Birchbox, a monthly box that was only ten bucks and sent me beauty products I jumped on the bandwagon. I got it in the mail Friday and was planning to write a review for it then but my house was really dirty so it came first. Not that it’s really any cleaner today I’m just really excited to share what I got.

A box for me!

And then for some reason I waited a painstakingly long time (20 minutes) to open it and this is what I found inside:

OOOOOH, STUFF!!!

Inside my box was:

Beauty Protector: Protect and Detangle

I already have something similar to this that I use on myself and all my clients to eliminate frizz, detangle, soften, and it’s like a leave-in conditioner but it’s not heavy and doesn’t weigh your hair down. I was willing to try something new though so after my shower today I tried to put this in my hair…it would not come out of the bottle! I unscrewed the top and discovered how good it smelled but also that it was really thick unlike what I normally use. I did everything I could to make it come out and I even tried to get some in my fingers and sun it through my hair that way, but I ended up using my regular magic potion anyway. Slightly disappointed with this one but I will still try to get it to spray.

Pravana Intense Therapy Leave-In Treatment

This is my go to for everything, I even use it for a cutting lotion, but it is a fairly new line and even though I recommend it to all my clients it is hard for them to find in a store that is not just for licensed cosmetologists. Which is why I was excited about this other product because if it was good I could tell my clients exactly where to find it, but alas, it is no good.

Coola Classic Face SPF 30 Cucumber Moisturizer

Now this I loved! Everything from the smell to the ways it feels when you apply it. I have my own moisturizer that I use for everyday that I would never give up but I would use Coola on days when I know I am not going to put on full makeup and I will be outside and I would definitely purchase this in full size.

Folle de Joie eau de parfum

I’m kind of picky about my scents and when I first smelled this I didn’t like it much. I went ahead and wore it like I would my normal perfume just to see if I might like when wearing it and it’s not too bad then. I could see myself wearing it every now then just to switch things up, but I would never pay $98 for the full size bottle.

Sumita Color Contrast Eyeliner

Despite not liking the color too much (navy) it is a high quality pencil. I tried it on my hand before using it on my eyes and it was exceptionally smooth and was it dried (about 2 seconds) it was not going anywhere!

My navy eyeliner with Urban Decay Eye Potion Primer in Sin and Benefit’s ‘They’re Real’ mascara

 

Acroball PureWhite hybrid ink pen

The pen looks nice and writes smoothly but the ink is almost the same color as the grip. I only use black pens so I’m not sure this would get much use. With it came a coupon also so I may look to see if they have any with black ink because those I would buy.

Overall I give this box a 2 out of 5 rating. There was a week waiting period just to get on the list, the products weren’t all that great and in came in tiny sizes. Like samples I could get for free with my online Sephora or Ulta orders…just not quite worth it. I will however just them a second chance and do it for one more month, but I am also going to check out some other boxes soon too.

Damn you Netflix!

A blessing and a curse all in one.

Netflix has changed today and for some reason they removed all Nickelodeon shows. For those who don’t know Nick produces Dora, Diego, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, Blue’s Clues and Ni Hao, Kai-lan and many others shows and my daughter would watch 24/7 if she could. So of course this caused a major meltdown today when she could not find Dora or Diego. I encouraged her to try something new and that just started more tears so I just decided to play a movie I know that I loved when I was little, Disney’s Alice in Wonderland. She was still mad the first five minutes or so into the movie, but then when she actually sat down to watch she liked it. Imagine that, her momma was right! I would love to get her into more of the movies that I loved as a child but Disney makes all their movies so f$^%ing expensive that we just will have to wait until we are rich (never) or just wait until they are on Netflix. They didn’t have anything Disney up until a few months ago and I was ecstatic to see some on there now. We will see them all, new and old, it just might take a while.

One Proud Momma!

My boy is not a baby anymore 😦

Today my oldest graduated from PreKindergarten and I couldn’t be more happy and sad at the same time. This means he is no longer my baby boy either. I raised an independent, smart, mouthy, young man, but I don’t know if I am ready for him to grow up yet. Next year he will be in Kindergarten, going to school all day five days a week, and they don’t take naps anymore! Don’t get me wrong, I will be glad to have him going all day as opposed to this half-day, 3-hour bullshit but his sister will drive me crazy not having brother to play with in the mornings.

He is going to have a blast next year and I’m sure he would start tomorrow if he could. I hope he maintains that excitement about going to school. He is more than ready to move up, my only concern is that he may not be challenged enough. He will be older than most of his classmates, turning 6 soon after he starts next year, but he has doing things like addition and subtraction for over a year now. He is reading all by himself with very little help and I’m just afraid he will just be taught things he already knows. I am hoping in the next year or two to get him into the gifted program and then that will certainly ease my worries of him not being challenged.

Even though I am not too happy that he is growing up so fast I cannot wait to see how he does when he gets to high school. When he gets to choose his classes and decide how far he wants to push himself. I was very book smart too growing up (I lack in common-sense smarts a little though LOL) and I was always in accelerated English and I took Algebra 1 in eighth grade so I was always with much older students in my math classes. But towards the end of my junior year and all of my senior year I lost my drive, I took dumb classes or had free periods. I hope that my son can keep his drive even if I have to give him a little shove every now and then. I need him to grow up and be rich so he can buy me a nice house someday! As much as I want him to stay driven, the most I can do is make sure that he is always happy.

The Curse of the Small Town

So I grew up in a small town in Kansas, population around 3600. It was about twenty minutes from Wichita (yes, I measure distance by the time it takes to drive, not actual miles, I can’t help it I’m from Kansas so give me a break!) which is one of the largest cities in Kansas so I wasn’t necessarily in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, living in a small town includes going to a small school in which I knew every member of my graduating class, many of which I had known since Kindergarten. One thing we didn’t have was diversity in our schools, 95% white. And I thinks that’s where my trouble began…

I have always been a bit on the larger side but in such a small town it was like I was whalenormous. I didn’t have many friends, although I was friendly with everyone and I was very quiet and reserved (I know, hard to believe if you know me now). In such a small, predominantly white, school only the skinny pretty girls were cool, at least in my grade anyway, and the only girls that guys went for were for those kinds of girls. Not that I didn’t have boyfriends, because I did, and I even had a stalker, but I could barely talk to any boy above my “status” for fear of being stoned to death.

Sophomore year I was tired of being that “big” girl so I dropped like 60 lbs. I got down to a size 7, which doesn’t sound very small, but I just have a wide frame and at that size I was super bony. Looking back on it now, it was way too skinny for me, I looked like a f$^%ing skeleton. But not only did I lose weight, I started to become more outgoing and I became sick and tired of being a doormat. Junior year was better but my senior year I really came back into my own. I gained some weight back so I didn’t have bones sticking out every where and I was gaining confidence that I had never had before.

After high school I went to the University of Kansas (Rock Chalk bitches!) and I was introduced to a whole new world. I had attention for my curves which is something I never had before. My confidence grew exponentially, maybe a little too much, and I did some things I’m not really proud. Even still though, the lessons I learned have stayed with me and will stay with me forever. So I guess it wasn’t necessarily a curse of a small town, but more of a misunderstanding of what it means to be confident in oneself.

After two kids and a few stressful relationships I have put on a bunch more weight, but I am still happy with me.  I’m not sure of the exact event that caused me to change my way of thinking but I see so many other girls/women that struggle with this and I wish I could tell them how I did it, how I realized that I was incredible  and anyone that didn’t want me for a relationship/friendship was bat shit crazy. I wish I could teach them how to be satisfied with what they were blessed with. Unfortunately I could probably talk myself to death before some people got the message, it is just something that everyone needs to learn on their own in their own way.

Real women, all beautiful

Sometimes I Can…

Be a really big bitch! I admit I often have a short fuse and if you piss me off I will tell you the truth, the whole truth, and I will probably not be so nice about it. So I guess I will just take the tome to go ahead and warn you about most of my triggers now.

• I HATE when people shorten my name! If I wanted to be called Sam I would introduce myself that way. So when I tell you my name is Samantha, I mean that’s my f-ing name!
• Old people driving…I think that one is self-explanatory.
• When I ask someone to do something, mainly my kids or husband, and even though I know they hear me they don’t do what I ask. Not really sure why they do this because they know when I have to ask a 2nd time I will be louder and I will have an attitude!
• When other people tell me something about my kids that I already know or that I know is wrong. Yes, this kind of goes hand in hand with  my post yesterday, but as I said I never say things out loud.
• I hate when other people make me late and part of the reason that happen is because it heightens my anxiety to a 12 on a scale of 1-10. If I am ready and waiting for a ride or waiting for my husband to get home so I can go somewhere and they are just the slightest bit late I start to freak! I will panic and call them many many times. I don’t know why this is either because I’m okay with being late because of me LOL.
• HEARTBURN!!! I have it constantly and it makes me cranky. I take four pills a day for it and I still have to have Tums or Maalox close just in case.
• I LOVE going to rock concerts but for some reason they always turn me into a super bitch. It’s like I have an alter ego who is fearless and rude to everyone…and I think her name is Sam. She will step on people, start fights with 400lb men, try to slice a guy’s neck with her fingernails, she is a badass bitch. Of course there was one concert that I went to pregnant…that was like Sam+Samantha(pregnant) x 4.
•  Horrible drivers/parkers…they induce copious amounts of road rage.
• My husband’s incessant online game playing, but not only that, the fact that he thinks he has to talk super loud when his mic is right by his face…which he is doing as I write this…so I am about to yell at him to be “f@^$ing quiet” for the 3rd time this week!
• Noisy neighbors. Unless you have an elephant up there, no one should make that much noise when they walk.

That’s all I can think of for now, although I’m sure there is a lot more shit that turns me into a bitch, these are the main ones. So be aware, I don’t enjoy being mean to anyone but if you do these things you better watch out for what’s coming next…

I Am That Mom

As much as I hate to admit it, that is me sometimes. I don’t ever verbalize my judgement, even when I really want to, and I don’t ever tell another mother they are doing something the wrong way, but I do judge in my head.

I would  never tell another mother that I think the way they choose to raise their child is f#$%ing nuts, but I might think it.

I will not tell another mother to control their child when they are ignoring their kid who is crawling up the walls or throwing things at a restaurant, even though I might throw some dirty looks in that direction or point you out to my husband.

I won’t discipline your children for you when we are at a park and they are being rude to my children, but I will tell my kids to stay away from yours and knowing my daughter she would be just as rude right back.

I will not ask you to keep your screaming children quiet in the middle of Walmart…actually I will probably give you a smile a sympathizing look because I know how that one feels LOL.

There are many things that I won’t do, but judging is not on that list. I am not perfect, never have claimed to be, and I still judge others sometimes, moms especially. However, I know I am not alone in this, every mom probably does, whether she wants to admit to it or not. I think the difference is how you use it. If you use it to be rude and confrontational then you are an asshole. If you use it to make fun of them later (sometimes) then you are kind of like me. If you use it to try and improve your parenting that’s great! So my final judgement is that those judging should not be judged, lest they judge wrongfully…you know what I mean!

My Little Princess

In August it will be three years since I had my beautiful baby girl and it seems like the time has flown by, but she had a rough beginning.

My pregnancy with her was much different from my first one with my son. I had very high blood pressure all throughout, even with medication, I had gestational diabetes and I was very sick the whole time when I was pregnant with my daughter. For my daughter I had chosen to continue seeing my family doctor instead of going to my O.B.G.Y.N. that I had used for my son, but soon my pregnancy became so high risk that she had to send me to an O.B. who specialized in high risk pregnancies. I was not quite 32 weeks when I got in to see the specialist and that office visit would be the beginning of my nightmare.

My blood pressure when taken at that appointment was 200/130, for those who don’t know that is extremely high and I was at risk for a seizures with it being so high. The doctor immediately sent to the hospital so he could run more tests and get the results faster. A few hours later the decision had been made that they had to get my little girl out as soon as possible. This left me absolutely terrified knowing that my baby was going to be premature and because of that many things could be wrong with her.

They tried to induce me by doing some strange things but I knew they wanted it done quickly. After almost a day with all the methods they had tried including pitocin I was stuck dilated at a 5 and every time I would have a contraction my baby’s heart rate would drop. They became very scared and started talking to me about my options. Of course the big one was to get a C-section and get her out quickly, but I was terrified of being cut open like that and even more scared of the recovery. In the end though I had to decide what was the best way to keep me and my little girl safe, so I went to have a C-section.

The whole surgery was very uncomfortable and I continued to feel pain and kept asking for more meds. Because of my high blood pressure I was also on Magnesium Sulfate which can cause flu-like symptoms. So in between yelling that I was in pain and continually asking if they were done yet I became very sick to my stomach and ended up throwing up all over my husband.

They told me they were about to bring her out and then as soon as they do she is breathing and screaming her head off which made me super happy, but they didn’t let me see her. They whisked her out of the room so fast I didn’t even get a glance. My husband went with her to watch her be evaluated and met me in the recovery room later with a million pictures and videos. However they had pushed so many pain meds that I was very lethargic and would often quit breathing so they would have to shake me and scream to get me to breathe.

I finally got back to my regular room and was slightly more aware of my surroundings when I asked to see the pictures.

This absolutely broke my heart. My poor baby was just 3 lbs and 12 oz and hooked up to so many machines! Thankfully she was very healthy for her little size and was off the ventilator in just a few hours, but I still get not get to see her in person until the next day.

When I did get to see her I just bawled and bawled. It tore me up so bad that I could not hold my own baby, that I would be leaving in a few days and I wouldn’t be taking her home with me. At this point they determined she was healthy but being so early she still had to learn how to eat. She was tube fed for two weeks or so but I still hadn’t been able to hold her yet. When I got the phone call that I could hold her finally I dropped everything and just about ran to the hospital.

This is probably the first smile I had on my face in weeks. I didn’t want to give her back, I just wanted to hold her for forever. They started her on bottle feedings and she had it down in a week and a half but there was one small issue. After she would eat when they would put her back in her crib her heart rate would drop. At 4 weeks old they decided I could take her home but they wanted her on a heart monitor to monitor for more bradycardic episodes. When they are going to let you take your child home from the NICU they have you do a “trial run” so to speak. They put you in an isolated room with you and the baby and they only had the heart monitor on her like we would at home.

This is her at 4 weeks and almost 5 lbs. After spending the night with her and the heart monitor I changed my mind and told them that I would rather her have to stay a little bit longer so they could try some other options to help the the episodes. I also decided that I wanted to stay there so I could be with her as much as possible, but in choosing to do that I would not see my son much. Which really sucked because his birthday was that week.

Fortunately my mom threw him a little party and I was able to go see my boy turn three. With my daughter they tried a medicine to help with reflux and it did not seem to help but then they took her off breast milk and started her a formula for spit up and it worked! After five weeks I finally got to bring my baby home.

.

He was instantly in love with his baby sister and I was finally happy to have everyone at home. Throughout this whole process I was a mess. I cried daily and it hurt so much not to have my child. But yet I saw other babies in the NICU that were much smaller and had many more issues and I couldn’t have even imagined if that had been me. I got very lucky with her but there is definitely still a part of me that is scared to have another one because I know I couldn’t make it through that twice. But there is definitely a happy ending to this story. As I said she will soon be three and her intelligence amazes me. She has had no delays whatsoever and she starting doing things like walking  and crawling before my son who was born at full term. Here is one last picture of my beautiful babies from just a few weeks ago.

No Sick Days!?!

They always say there are no sick days when you’re a mom, but I really REALLY needed one today.

Last night I was walking to the kitchen when I stepped on something sharp. So I jump over to the couch to sit down and try to find out what was now stuck in the side of my foot. It was a toothpick, and probably a used one knowing my children. I’m start yelling at my husband to pull this f#$%ing thing out of my foot (quick like a band-aid of course). After he pulls it out he tells me it was at least 1/8th of an inch embedded, if not more. I preformed the usual first aid and washed it with soap and water and applied ointment and a band-aid.

This morning I got up and went to stand I discovered how much pain I was in. My foot is swollen to ogre size and it very red, not to mention the fact that I have to walk like a drunk penguin to not scream every time I put my foot down. Also I have this wicked cold that has had me sounding like a man for the last 3 days, so needless to say I felt like shit all around.

I really needed that sick day today, I needed to rest my voice and stay off my foot and basically just take care of myself  today so I could be at my best for them tomorrow. Unfortunately sick days are not a benefit of being a stay-at-home mommy so I had to tough it out today and it was very rough but hopefully tomorrow will be better…