Justified Guilt

I don’t often feel guilt, not because I’m always perfect but it’s just something I try to not feel because it’s kind of like eating oreos, you can never eat just one. I feel that if you let yourself feel guilty for something for too long you will be stuck with it. And it will weigh on you until you cannot handle it anymore. With holding on to the guilt also comes blame, anger, and many other emotions that are not conducive to living a happy life. So I don’t like to feel guilty mainly because I know how quickly it could be me down.

There is one instance though that I can never stop the guilt. I don’t ever dwell on it, except for now, but every time I am put in that situation I want to hide like I’m trying to hide from a serial killer in my home. My flight or fight instinct in these situations is to get the f#@k away as quickly as possible.  These situations never last too long but it is more than enough time to think about every possible escape route I have and have a panic attack  at an 8 on the “crazy person” scale of 1 to 10.

I’m sure I would be in a lot of trouble if I lived in a city too much bigger than my own because these detestable situations would increase tenfold. I guess I should come out and say it now for those of you who haven’t figured out what I am going on about. I can’t handle pulling up to an intersection where a homeless person is standing asking for money or food or whatever. It’s not that they disgust me, it’s that I’m disgusted in myself for never helping.

Today this happened and I had just been to pay our water bill and was going to pay another bill and that’s all the money I had. And when I saw this person standing there holding his cardboard sign I wanted to help so bad but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it without cutting my own throat. I couldn’t do it because I had to pay that water bill or our water was going to be shut off.  I can’t subject my kids to that, but there I was subjecting this homeless man to the thing I could never let my child go through. I know I will never be able to help everyone, but I may never stop feeling guilty for every time I can’t.

Can Somebody Please Make it Stop Already!?!

When it is all said and done, this is going to be me…on my wedding day!

Recently, within the last two days, I just decided that I was going to start planning my wedding. It started out innocently, just looking for vendors in the area, but now I can’t stop! In two days I went from dipping my toe in to having things done that should take months to figure out and organize. I know my theme, I know the exact dress I want, I have narrowed it down to 3 potential photographers, I picked a venue and the meal served by a specific catering company…I even know which place I’m going to use to do all my alterations. Maybe this is why I never made it this far before…I either lost interest or got too anxious and had to walk away.

The funny part is that I’m doing this all without actually having any money right now to execute any plan, so it’s a good thing I picked a date ten months away! What I don’t understand though is if I have that much time why am I trying to plan this as if I have a week? Why can’t I slow down? I do believe this is the same reason that I could never hire a wedding planner. I must be in control of everything!!! I’m like a suicidal bridezilla, my only intent is to finish this NOW, my health be damned! Today for breakfast and lunch I had coffee, and only coffee. I did eat dinner but it was half my normal portion and then I was right back to my budget spreadsheet and my people to call list.

I truly need a large dose of Xanax or Valium right now so my brain can just stop for a little bit. In the middle of this post I got distracted and went off to look at hotels and car services…I NEED HELP! By the way, if anyone here in the Kansas area does hair and/or makeup on location please get a hold me. <<< See…I cannot stop!

If you only knew

There are very few things that get my blood boiling faster than hearing a pregnant woman who is two weeks from her due date and just “so tired” of being pregnant complaining that she wants the baby out and is willing to try anything and everything to get labor started. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO RUSH THIS!?! Just because you are uncomfortable? Wouldn’t you rather be uncomfortable for a few weeks but still have a healthy baby. You have no idea that there are so many mothers out there that don’t get that luxury. Can you even image being forced to have your baby early because  you and your babies lives’ are in danger?

In truth, should I let it bother me to the point where I am shaking just trying to write this? No I shouldn’t, but some people are so small-minded that they never even think of anyone else but themselves. My philosophy for any pregnancy is always baby first! Everything I do is for that baby, whether it be going on six different meds to control my high blood pressure and gestational diabetes, or having a dreaded C-section because my child’s heartbeat drops with every contraction. So my new goal is to enlighten people instead getting upset about idiots!

 

To be excited…or not to be

This could be me again real soon…

I may soon be joining the working mom population again and I’m not sure what to think. I would love to bring some more income into the house because we definitely need it and it would be nice to do something other than watch the kids all day but…just but.

If everything works out I will be working with my husband’s boss’s wife which will be great  because they are both more than willing to arrange our schedules so that we never have to have daycare. And that is amazing considering my biggest worry was that if I went back to work and we had to have a sitter that one of our paychecks would go straight to whoever was watching the kids. But know that means that if I’m working my husband will not be which means he will be responsible for the kids.

I love my husband, I truly do, but taking good care of the children is not one of his strong skills. He does keep them alive and we haven’t had any trips to the ER lately (I’m kidding honey, I love you!) but other than that he can be very hands off. With just him working right now the time that he spends at home is usually sleeping or playing video games and I’m afraid if I was working during those times when he is not he would continue to do the same thing. Maybe I’m just being a stickler but I really appreciate when my kids eat a meal that is composed of something other than things in their “snack drawer”. He makes it seem like it is too difficult to part himself from his computer, the bed, or the couch so he just tells my son to get them any food he can reach. I am definitely not trying to call him out though, he knows very well he does this and he knows exactly how I feel about it.

So this is why I am half excited to go back to work and half terrified. Any advice from other moms who have been a similar situation is more than welcome!!!

Bridges Burned

Burn, baby, burn!

I don’t particularly like burning bridges, not anymore than I like holding grudges, but sometimes it must be done. For the sake of my family, for the sake of our money (or lack there-of), and frankly for the sake of my sanity. There are few people that I have cut off wholly and completely and this particular one will definitely never be making an appearance in my home around me or my children.

I don’t want to go into the past too much but basically I just gave this person too many chances and every time she fucked me and/or my family over. I am nightmare if you mess with my children and I will go psycho on your ass. This person has experienced me in that mood many times and it is safe to say that he/she is absolutely terrified of me now, and with good reason.

Now the city I live in isn’t small by any means, but it is beginning to feel that way. Somehow this person managed to get a job where my husband works. He, lucky for them, does not feel the same way I do. I just think he has a horrible memory and is way to quick to forgive, but that’s just me. Since working with him they have engaged in the same kind of behavior that I cut ties for. And just recently I came to the understanding  that this person has had lots of recent time spent with the police because of drugs and other stupid shit.

Needless to say, I was right to tell this person to stay the hell away from me and my family. I wish them all the luck though because it seems like they are damn sure going to need it.

When Dreams Come True

Sweet Dreams!

Somehow I managed to pawn my hoodlums off on someone for the night. Now I have a huge list of things I want to get done while the kids are gone. But the first thing I am probably going to do though is take a nap. Haha, procrastination at it’s finest!

Oops!

My very fist fruit pizza and I also made it patriotic!

Has it really been almost five whole days since my last post? I’m not sure what it is about holidays, but they really seem to wear me out. For the 4th we went over to my father’s house and I provided the marinated chicken and the fruit pizza which really was simple stuff compared to other holidays, but between that and the fireworks and the kids I was worn out. The past few days I have done almost nothing! Maybe a mom’s holiday should actually be the next few days after a federal holiday since we are always busy cooking, cleaning, hosting, and taking care of the kids on the day of. What days are difficult for all you other moms?

Since When…?

SOOOO PRETTTYYY!!!!

Since when did the Fourth of July become a whole week long event? Don’t get me wrong, I love fireworks! I love the sounds and the smells and just how magnificent they can look in the sky, this may be partly because I had my first kiss under a beautiful 4th of July firework display, but anyway I digress. I have been hearing fireworks from my home for the last 5 days! Why, just why? Also why is it the Mexicans who are doing this every night? I am not racist by any means but I know that in the neighborhood that I live in, most of them are probably not in this country legally so (in my mind anyway), it begs the question…why are they celebrating Independence Day if they are not even U.S citizens? But it’s not even that which bothers me the most, it’s the fact that they have felt the need to celebrate from the day firework stands opens until it closes for the season.

I have children who have a pretty regular bedtime and I do not appreciate when they get woken up by fire works on the 1st of July at 11 p.m.!!! If it was the fourth I would have no issues with it mostly because I know my children will be going to bed late the evening anyway and by the time they do they will be so exhausted that they wouldn’t wake up for an air horn. In closing, can we please just keep the celebration to the actual day of the holiday…please!