If you only knew

There are very few things that get my blood boiling faster than hearing a pregnant woman who is two weeks from her due date and just “so tired” of being pregnant complaining that she wants the baby out and is willing to try anything and everything to get labor started. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO RUSH THIS!?! Just because you are uncomfortable? Wouldn’t you rather be uncomfortable for a few weeks but still have a healthy baby. You have no idea that there are so many mothers out there that don’t get that luxury. Can you even image being forced to have your baby early because  you and your babies lives’ are in danger?

In truth, should I let it bother me to the point where I am shaking just trying to write this? No I shouldn’t, but some people are so small-minded that they never even think of anyone else but themselves. My philosophy for any pregnancy is always baby first! Everything I do is for that baby, whether it be going on six different meds to control my high blood pressure and gestational diabetes, or having a dreaded C-section because my child’s heartbeat drops with every contraction. So my new goal is to enlighten people instead getting upset about idiots!

 

Daddy’s little girl

When I was about eight or so my parents for divorced and it tore me apart. The next few years were a little rough because dad didn’t  really have a permanent home yet and he got moved to second shift at his job so split custody was hard. Finally my dad was able to buy a house in the same town that we had all lived in as a family so there was no school change and I was even able to walk from each parent’s home to the other because they were so close.

I’m pretty sure my dad always thought of me as his little princess so he always gave me just about everything I asked for, but he was also very harsh at times and would be very quick to raise his voice and be very critical. In my teen years I resented him a little and quit trying to do things that I knew he would or could scream at me for. I became very involved in my church youth group, thank goodness is wasn’t something awful like drugs, and he seemed to be okay with me doing whatever as long as it was with my church buddies. For many years I was also very involved in a mime team with other church youth…maybe I will share those pictures someday LOL.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first, after one year of college and a few more years at home (living with my mom), I was terrified to tell my dad. It’s almost like I was so afraid he would beat me and I would lose the baby. So in June of 2007 I was already 5-6 months pregnant, not really showing though, when I decided I had to tell him one way or the other. He was taking me out for dinner for my 21st birthday and I tried to say it the whole time but it wouldn’t come out. When I was driving him back to his house and we were about 3 blocks away I finally said it.

His reaction though still gets me to this day. He didn’t yell, he didn’t swear, he didn’t call me names, he simply said “Ok, so what are you going to do about it?” I told him that mom wanted me to consider adoption but I knew I couldn’t do that. I was too attached already and I was 21, a full-blown adult, and I should take responsibility for my actions. He was happy! Well, not happy the I was pregnant and unmarried, but happy that I was making the right choice. I think that is when our relationship started to change.

Since having my son he has been there for everything. He was so excited to be able to take his grandson fishing. When my son and I would go to church with him my dad would walk around beaming because he was such a proud grandpa. But within the last year or two my father’s health began to decline. He acts like he is fine but I know it kills him to have to ask me to take him grocery shopping because it hurts too much for him to walk.

This past friday he called me and told me something was wrong and when he described the severity of it I got scared. I told him he had to go to the Emergency Room. He said he would call me back to let me know, but after two hours my anxiety was getting to me so I went ahead and drive over to his house. It took a little while but I finally managed to get him to quit stalling and to let me drive so we could go. There was quite a wait when we got there, and there usually hasn’t been any time I have gone. Long story short they blamed it on a med that he had missed for a few days due to his pharmacy’s mix-up so they gave him a huge dose and sent him home.

I am not a doctor but I am a registered medical assistant so I have some experience and I truly think what they did was just to put a temporary patch on a problem that needs to be solved throughly and soon. I cannot and will not lose my father because he is not considered high priority. I refuse to let him continue to see a doctor that doesn’t check his feet and legs at every appointment. He is a diabetic, you must take these things into account! And he says his doctor refuses to refer him to a diabetes specialist or an Endocrinologist! I’m sure part of it is that my father is not always the best advocate for himself, but itf he is not going to do it I will. Mama bear is not happy and she is going to get things done, even if he has to find a new primary care provider after it’s all said and done.

 

My Little Princess

In August it will be three years since I had my beautiful baby girl and it seems like the time has flown by, but she had a rough beginning.

My pregnancy with her was much different from my first one with my son. I had very high blood pressure all throughout, even with medication, I had gestational diabetes and I was very sick the whole time when I was pregnant with my daughter. For my daughter I had chosen to continue seeing my family doctor instead of going to my O.B.G.Y.N. that I had used for my son, but soon my pregnancy became so high risk that she had to send me to an O.B. who specialized in high risk pregnancies. I was not quite 32 weeks when I got in to see the specialist and that office visit would be the beginning of my nightmare.

My blood pressure when taken at that appointment was 200/130, for those who don’t know that is extremely high and I was at risk for a seizures with it being so high. The doctor immediately sent to the hospital so he could run more tests and get the results faster. A few hours later the decision had been made that they had to get my little girl out as soon as possible. This left me absolutely terrified knowing that my baby was going to be premature and because of that many things could be wrong with her.

They tried to induce me by doing some strange things but I knew they wanted it done quickly. After almost a day with all the methods they had tried including pitocin I was stuck dilated at a 5 and every time I would have a contraction my baby’s heart rate would drop. They became very scared and started talking to me about my options. Of course the big one was to get a C-section and get her out quickly, but I was terrified of being cut open like that and even more scared of the recovery. In the end though I had to decide what was the best way to keep me and my little girl safe, so I went to have a C-section.

The whole surgery was very uncomfortable and I continued to feel pain and kept asking for more meds. Because of my high blood pressure I was also on Magnesium Sulfate which can cause flu-like symptoms. So in between yelling that I was in pain and continually asking if they were done yet I became very sick to my stomach and ended up throwing up all over my husband.

They told me they were about to bring her out and then as soon as they do she is breathing and screaming her head off which made me super happy, but they didn’t let me see her. They whisked her out of the room so fast I didn’t even get a glance. My husband went with her to watch her be evaluated and met me in the recovery room later with a million pictures and videos. However they had pushed so many pain meds that I was very lethargic and would often quit breathing so they would have to shake me and scream to get me to breathe.

I finally got back to my regular room and was slightly more aware of my surroundings when I asked to see the pictures.

This absolutely broke my heart. My poor baby was just 3 lbs and 12 oz and hooked up to so many machines! Thankfully she was very healthy for her little size and was off the ventilator in just a few hours, but I still get not get to see her in person until the next day.

When I did get to see her I just bawled and bawled. It tore me up so bad that I could not hold my own baby, that I would be leaving in a few days and I wouldn’t be taking her home with me. At this point they determined she was healthy but being so early she still had to learn how to eat. She was tube fed for two weeks or so but I still hadn’t been able to hold her yet. When I got the phone call that I could hold her finally I dropped everything and just about ran to the hospital.

This is probably the first smile I had on my face in weeks. I didn’t want to give her back, I just wanted to hold her for forever. They started her on bottle feedings and she had it down in a week and a half but there was one small issue. After she would eat when they would put her back in her crib her heart rate would drop. At 4 weeks old they decided I could take her home but they wanted her on a heart monitor to monitor for more bradycardic episodes. When they are going to let you take your child home from the NICU they have you do a “trial run” so to speak. They put you in an isolated room with you and the baby and they only had the heart monitor on her like we would at home.

This is her at 4 weeks and almost 5 lbs. After spending the night with her and the heart monitor I changed my mind and told them that I would rather her have to stay a little bit longer so they could try some other options to help the the episodes. I also decided that I wanted to stay there so I could be with her as much as possible, but in choosing to do that I would not see my son much. Which really sucked because his birthday was that week.

Fortunately my mom threw him a little party and I was able to go see my boy turn three. With my daughter they tried a medicine to help with reflux and it did not seem to help but then they took her off breast milk and started her a formula for spit up and it worked! After five weeks I finally got to bring my baby home.

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He was instantly in love with his baby sister and I was finally happy to have everyone at home. Throughout this whole process I was a mess. I cried daily and it hurt so much not to have my child. But yet I saw other babies in the NICU that were much smaller and had many more issues and I couldn’t have even imagined if that had been me. I got very lucky with her but there is definitely still a part of me that is scared to have another one because I know I couldn’t make it through that twice. But there is definitely a happy ending to this story. As I said she will soon be three and her intelligence amazes me. She has had no delays whatsoever and she starting doing things like walking  and crawling before my son who was born at full term. Here is one last picture of my beautiful babies from just a few weeks ago.