So I grew up in a small town in Kansas, population around 3600. It was about twenty minutes from Wichita (yes, I measure distance by the time it takes to drive, not actual miles, I can’t help it I’m from Kansas so give me a break!) which is one of the largest cities in Kansas so I wasn’t necessarily in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, living in a small town includes going to a small school in which I knew every member of my graduating class, many of which I had known since Kindergarten. One thing we didn’t have was diversity in our schools, 95% white. And I thinks that’s where my trouble began…
I have always been a bit on the larger side but in such a small town it was like I was whalenormous. I didn’t have many friends, although I was friendly with everyone and I was very quiet and reserved (I know, hard to believe if you know me now). In such a small, predominantly white, school only the skinny pretty girls were cool, at least in my grade anyway, and the only girls that guys went for were for those kinds of girls. Not that I didn’t have boyfriends, because I did, and I even had a stalker, but I could barely talk to any boy above my “status” for fear of being stoned to death.
Sophomore year I was tired of being that “big” girl so I dropped like 60 lbs. I got down to a size 7, which doesn’t sound very small, but I just have a wide frame and at that size I was super bony. Looking back on it now, it was way too skinny for me, I looked like a f$^%ing skeleton. But not only did I lose weight, I started to become more outgoing and I became sick and tired of being a doormat. Junior year was better but my senior year I really came back into my own. I gained some weight back so I didn’t have bones sticking out every where and I was gaining confidence that I had never had before.
After high school I went to the University of Kansas (Rock Chalk bitches!) and I was introduced to a whole new world. I had attention for my curves which is something I never had before. My confidence grew exponentially, maybe a little too much, and I did some things I’m not really proud. Even still though, the lessons I learned have stayed with me and will stay with me forever. So I guess it wasn’t necessarily a curse of a small town, but more of a misunderstanding of what it means to be confident in oneself.
After two kids and a few stressful relationships I have put on a bunch more weight, but I am still happy with me. I’m not sure of the exact event that caused me to change my way of thinking but I see so many other girls/women that struggle with this and I wish I could tell them how I did it, how I realized that I was incredible and anyone that didn’t want me for a relationship/friendship was bat shit crazy. I wish I could teach them how to be satisfied with what they were blessed with. Unfortunately I could probably talk myself to death before some people got the message, it is just something that everyone needs to learn on their own in their own way.
Real women, all beautiful
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